


now we're moving (now we're taking control)

by shesaysbriefthings



Series: spending time and money [2]
Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Explicit Sex, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Rimming, Under-negotiated Kink, richard is terrible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-06-05 19:39:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15177893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shesaysbriefthings/pseuds/shesaysbriefthings
Summary: It's been two weeks since he and Gavin hooked up in Jackson Hole, and it's been radio silence from Gavin since then. Not that Richard was expecting anything else, after he embarrassingly begged Gavin to come back during sex, and then awkwardly left.So it's not without surprise that Richard gets a message from Gavin later that day.Sequel to we're spending time and money





	now we're moving (now we're taking control)

**Author's Note:**

> oh my goood it's so cheesy!! they're in love ok  
> warnings: richard's gay panic and self-loathing, under-negotiated/badly negotiated kink, failure to set proper boundaries. all pretty light but read with caution

Richard's got his feet up at the incubator. The guys have more than enough money to get their own places now, and Jian Yang is back, doing whatever nefarious shit he's doing (Richard’s thinks it’s mostly taking advantage of Erlich’s continued absence to burn things and smoke in the bathroom), but technically, as long as Erlich is presumed dead, the house belongs to Bighead, and they don't really feel like moving out. It’s kind of nice. Familiar, to still all be here, after everything. 

 

Bighead’s been working for some start-up since being fired from Stanford (it sounds like the kind of thing that Erlich would have been interested in, but Richard’s not about to say that to Bighead), and he strolls in now (in the middle of the day), usual Big Gulp in hand. 

 

Gilfoyle and Dinesh are just playing Fortnite (which is somehow still a thing) and Jared is back at the office, meeting with Ron. 

 

Bighead slumps into a chair, sipping loudly. 

 

“Hey. You know what's funny?”

 

“What?” 

 

“Guess who I just saw coming out of that Whole Foods on Emerson? Gavin Belson, man.”

 

Richard doesn't drop his Red Bull, but it's a close run thing. 

 

“The fuck is Gavin Belson doing back?” mutters Dinesh. “And doing his own food shopping? Are you sure it wasn't someone else?”

 

“The fuck were you doing at a Whole Foods?” asks Gilfoyle.

 

“Well, there's a Burger King right near there.”

 

Dinesh shrugs. “You’d think that being humiliated and fired by Jeff Bezos and losing one of Hooli’s offices to us would be enough to run him out of town for good. Guess some people just can’t take a hint.”

 

Richard tries not to feel bitter about the fact that Gavin moved back to Palo Alto without telling him. Struggles. 

 

He's definitely not going to text Gavin. 

 

It's been two weeks since he and Gavin hooked up in Jackson Hole, and it's been radio silence from Gavin since then. Not that Richard was expecting anything else, after he embarrassingly begged Gavin to come back during sex, and then awkwardly left. 

 

So it's not without surprise that Richard gets a message from Gavin later that day. 

 

_ I'm back. Come over. Tonight, 9pm. _

 

Richard sort of wants to object on principle, tell Gavin that he can't just snap his fingers and have Richard come running. 

 

But truth be told, despite his relief to be back in the house, despite the fact that he's been more relaxed than he's ever been before, he's barely been able to stop thinking about Gavin for fourteen straight days. 

 

He tries not to expect too much when he buzzes Gavin’s intercom that night, when Gavin lets him in to the blessedly glass-free atrium. 

 

But Gavin doesn't leave him much time for doubt, pulling him in for a searing kiss the second he's shut the door behind him. Richard kisses back desperately, with teeth and tongue, grabbing at Gavin’s hips and pulling him close. 

 

Their tongues tangle together, Gavin moaning and Richard breathing heavily as Gavin presses him up against the door. 

 

“I was - worried you'd changed your mind.” says Gavin, low. 

 

Richard has just time to shake his head before he's pulled back to Gavin’s mouth.

 

\------------------------------------------

 

So, it keeps happening. And Richard has no idea why. Well, OK, that’s not entirely true - Richard has spent his entire life in a pretty much perpetual state of  _ not getting any _ and is now very much getting some - and Gavin is extremely good at that...stuff. After their long weekend turned sex marathon in Jackson Hole, Richard kind of thought he could probably use a break. After all, he’s pretty sure he had more sex with Gavin in the four days he was there than in the whole of the rest of his life. 

 

As it turns out? Not so much. 

 

Gavin was definitely not kidding when he said he couldn’t keep his hands off Richard. He must be starved for it too, he’s constantly cornering him, slipping his fingertips underneath Richard’s shirt, just teasing the skin along his waistband, kissing him along his neck, up to his ears. Richard’s in the kitchen trying to make margaritas (of course Gavin has a mixer) when Gavin starts  _ biting  _ at his earlobe and - is that really necessary?

 

“I’m kinda trying to make  - oh-  _ ohh _ \- Gavin -”

 

Gavin’s sliding his hands around Richard, slowly unbuttoning his flannel button-up and teasing at his nipples. Richard never really thought of himself as, like, a nipple guy, but he can’t really complain about how Gavin’s proving him wrong here. Gavin wets his thumb and forefinger in Richard’s mouth and goes back to work, kissing his neck open-mouthed as he pinches his nipples. Richard can feel the press of Gavin’s erection against his ass as Gavin grinds his hips into him, has to palm his own throbbing cock. 

 

The kitchen is not the most sanitary place to be getting his dick out, to be honest. But Gavin promised to fuck Richard in every room of this house, and evidently he intends to make good on that promise. Gavin has taken to stashing lube in the most obscure places he can think of, in this case the breadbin. His fingers feel thick, unyielding as he bends Richard over the worktop. It’s a little too high for Richard, so the angle’s not perfect, but as Gavin slides his dick in (apparently the condoms are kept in the coffee jar now. Makes sense, since Gavin only drinks green tea) Richard’s beyond caring. 

 

It’s rough this time. A little rougher than normal. Gavin gave an interview with the Wall Street Journal that afternoon and Richard thinks he’s stressed. Richard’s OK with it. They haven’t exactly...properly discussed boundaries. In the back of his mind, Richard can hear a voice (one that sounds remarkably like Jared) telling him how important communication is in sex, but he pushes it away as Gavin yanks his hair, bites his neck hard and comes with a groan. 

 

\------------------------------------------

 

Somewhere, in the vague distance, something's buzzing. It's - damn, it's his phone, it's probably Jared, they were supposed to conference tonight. He bats ineffectively at the pillow as if he's swatting a fly away. Gavin’s head is between his legs, tongue buried in his ass, and Richard’s so hard he feels almost lightheaded. 

 

Again, the couple of times Richard’s played with himself in this area, he's never really been able to see the appeal. But, god, Gavin really knows what he's doing, alternating pressing inside with his tongue and lapping wetly at his rim, free hand fondling his balls gently, and Richard can't get enough of it, of him.

 

He threads his hands through Gavin’s hair, and it's soft, free of his usual product. Richard thinks it makes him look younger. Softer, somehow. He tries to banish that thought and focus only on the sensation of Gavin’s tongue. 

 

He knows he can't come like this, not quite, but he's so close, just having Gavin’s hand on him for a second or two will get him there. Gavin, he's learned, though, likes to drag it out, torment him, make him wait for it. He thinks about begging - thinks better of it. Reaches down to touch himself, Gavin bats his hand away. 

 

Gavin stiffens his tongue and pushes it right inside Richard, and finally wraps a hand around his cock. It only takes a couple of strokes before Richard’s coming with a strangled cry, spilling come over his own chest and Gavin’s hand, arching his back and clenching around Gavin’s tongue. He bites the back of his hand to stop him from moaning as he comes down, breathing heavily. 

 

Gavin’s eyes are hooded, dark, and he’s lapping at Richard’s come, sucking it off his fingers. Richard’s cock twitches again just watching him. He knows he’ll probably be good to go again in about ten minutes, and yes, his refractory period is still embarrassingly short for a guy pushing thirty, but Gavin sees it as a challenge, how many times he can make Richard come in a session. One night last week they managed three. Four, if you include the 6am morning sex they had before Richard snuck back to the incubator. 

 

Not this time, though, apparently. Gavin, still hard, simply lies down, pulls Richard to him and wraps an arm around his waist. He sighs and buries his nose in the crook of Richard’s neck. 

 

Richard’s started to notice this about Gavin. Richard doesn’t really know if he’s a cuddler or not. He had two girlfriends in college and it didn’t last long enough with either of them for him to really find out. 

 

But Gavin? Definitely is. Richard can’t decide if it bothers him or not. Right now, he thinks not. Gavin is warm behind him, and even post-sex, he just smells good. He’s hooked an ankle around Richard’s and threaded his fingers through Richard’s and - OK, Richard’s decided he’s going to let this happen. For the moment. 

 

The moment is most definitely ruined, though, when Richard’s phone buzzes again.

 

\------------------------------------------

  
  


The condoms thing comes up after they’ve been doing it for two months. Two months in which, miraculously, no member of either the press corps or his household (and Richard is not sure of which he is more terrified) has found out about the two of them. 

 

Either that or they all know exactly what’s going on and they’re just too embarrassed to mention it, and Richard’s an idiot. 

 

They’ve just finished a languid, slow fuck session and Gavin’s lying beside him. 

 

“You know.” he starts. 

 

Richard waits. “Yeah?”

 

Gavin pauses a little. “What do you think about the idea of fucking without?”

 

“Without? Without..?”

 

“Without condoms, I mean.”

 

Richard considers. 

 

“Is that something you might, in theory, be interested in? I mean. Not everyone’s comfortable with it. It can be a little messy, and clean-up can be a pain. But it can feel really good.”

 

Richard’s not sure. Does he want Gavin coming inside him? Definitely not if they’re doing it anywhere...weird. But...maybe? He imagines feeling Gavin’s thick, hot cock in him, filling him without any barriers, Gavin’s come painting his insides, leaking out of him as Gavin pulls out. 

 

It should be gross. But the flush of arousal that jolts through his body and straight to his dick feels like a good indicator of how he might feel about it. 

 

“I...yeah. Maybe.”

 

“If you’d like, we can try it. We’ll both need to get full STI panels, of course, but I can arrange that if you’re OK with it?”

 

“I'm. Yeah. I'm OK with it.” 

 

“And you're….comfortable with that?”

 

“With...having you come inside me?” 

 

“Well. That, yes. But the other aspect, too.” 

 

Richard's lost.  “Other aspect?” 

 

Gavin sighs. “I'm not just asking if you want me to come inside you, Richard. I'm asking you if you're comfortable with making this thing exclusive.” 

 

“Exclusive?” 

 

“It means we don't sleep with other- “ 

 

“I know what it means. I just. Um. I guess I never really thought about it like that. It's not as though I've got a lot of other offers anyway, you know.”

 

“That's not really the point, Richard. I want to make a commitment to you not to fuck anybody else. And I want you to do the same for me. But only if that's something you want too.”

 

Gavin’s asking him, in his own, weird way, if he wants to be his...boyfriend? It seems a ridiculous word to apply to a forty-nine year old. But partner is too much. Too soon. 

 

Gavin’s using his “negotiating" tone, the same tone he uses when he's on the phone to his lawyers. But Richard can tell from the look in his eyes and the furrow of his brow that he's nervous. 

 

Does Richard want this? He wants Gavin, as much as he can get. But he's scared of this becoming something real. If it becomes something real then eventually he's going to have to deal with telling people, and that's something he can't cope with. 

 

Baby steps, he supposes. After all, he reasons, trying to temper his panic, all they're  agreeing to do is not sleep with anyone else. Richard doesn't want to sleep with anyone else, doesn't think he would want to even if the opportunity presented itself.

 

And, weirdly, he doesn't want to hurt Gavin.   

 

So he nods. 

 

So that becomes a thing. 

 

\------------------------------------------

  
  


Gavin’s talking about fisting him.  _ Fisting.  _ Richard is absolutely, definitely not on board. 

 

Definitely not, he tells himself. Gavin’s fingers are thick enough on their own, and...no. He’s not going to do  _ anal fisting _ .  

 

It’s been three months. 

 

Last week, Gavin sucked him off, made him come into Gavin’s mouth, fed him back his own come. After that, he had Richard sit on his face, riding on his tongue and Gavin jerked him until he came again, weakly, sensitised. 

 

He gave Richard five minutes until he turned him over, opened him up with one, two, three, and then four fingers. He massaged Richard’s prostate, pushing into his sweet spot relentlessly, making Richard scream and cry, Gavin refusing to touch his cock, to give him any relief. He thrust his fingers in, over and over, until Richard came dry, sobbing and shaking, fists clenched into the pillows. 

 

They’re doing a bit better with the “healthy communication” thing. They’ve got a safeword now. They don’t have to use it often. Neither of them is into pain, particularly, but they’ve got into the habit of at least talking through what they’re going to do, what their limits are. Richard is pretty much discovering his as they go. 

 

Richard’s into being spanked and Gavin’s into spanking him. Gavin enjoys tying up, but also being tied up. Richard thinks that Gavin has a thing for relinquishing control. Not always, but sometimes, especially if he’s had a rough day. He likes Richard to blindfold him, too, and occasionally use a gag. 

 

Tonight it's Richard that's had the bad day. 

 

Gavin’s got him completely naked, while Gavin himself is fully clothed, bent over his knee. He's so hard he's practically dripping onto Gavin’s thighs, rocking helplessly into Gavin’s lap every time Gavin gives him a spank, the flat of his hand connecting with a loud snap every time. Normally Gavin will not give him more than ten, but Richard fists his hands in the bedsheets. 

 

“More.” He whispers. 

 

Gavin hesitates. 

 

“Go on. Just five more.” Richard begs. “please.”

 

He knows Gavin can't resist him when he begs. His ass is hot and pink, but he relishes the slap of Gavin’s hand as it connects sharply with his cheek.

 

Sometimes Gavin will make him rub himself into his lap, until he comes without being touched. He's knows the mild element of humiliation adds to it for Richard, and that's something Richard is not willing to explore any further - yet. 

 

Not tonight, though. Richard settles himself in Gavin’s arms after he's finished, kisses Gavin softly before blowing him. 

 

Gavin rarely has to ask if Richard wants to stay over, these days. 

 

\----------------------------------

 

It's been four months when it all goes to shit. 

 

For the most part it's been a pretty normal evening for them, the type of thing that's becoming a regular occurrence. Richard works, they eat, they fuck. 

 

Except that on this occasion Gavin comes and whispers “I love you” into Richard’s ear as he does. 

 

Richard is still as they're lying back down, after they've both come. Does he just….pretend he didn't hear? Acknowledge it? Saying it back is not on the table. No way, no how. 

 

Gavin sighs. “It's OK, Richard. I know you're not ready.” 

 

“Did you mean it?”

 

“...Yes. But as I said, I get it, if you're not in that place. It's OK.”

 

Richard can't think of anything else to say. “OK.”

 

Gavin gets up, presumably to hop in the shower. 

 

“By the way, Richard. I was thinking. That new Peruvian place just opened up. The one I was telling you about? Anyway, I called the manager, and he might just be able to get us reservations on Friday. If you're interested?”

 

Richard raises his eyebrows. “But. I mean. We can't? I thought...I mean, that'd be going out.” 

 

Gavin sits back down. “So?”

 

“So? Someone might, you know. See us?”

 

“And? Would that really be the end of the world, Richard? I’m...tired of never being able to take you out anywhere. When we’re together we’re stuck in this place like we’re under house arrest.” 

 

“But! The bloggers could find out. My  _ friends  _ could find out, Gavin. “

 

Gavin stands back up, looks irritated now. “So fucking what, Richard? We're dating. We’re together. I know you've spent the last four months trying to pretend otherwise, but there it is. Is it the worst thing in the fucking world if people know?”

 

“Well, yeah, kind of!”

 

Gavin shakes his head. “Are you that ashamed of what we're doing, Richard?”

 

“Aren't you?!” 

 

Well, that's the wrong thing to say. Gavin’s face stiffens, his expression tightening. 

 

“Get out.”

 

“What?”

 

“You heard me. Get the  _ fuck  _ out of my house, Richard!”

 

Gavin throws his glass into the wall, nowhere near close enough to hit him but frightening nonetheless. 

 

“Gavin-"

 

“Out!”

 

Richard clears out, shoeless, defeated, calls an Uber and waits outside Gavin’s front gate. 

 

Gavin has to forgive him. Right? 

 

\----------------------------------

 

By the time he gets back to the incubator he feels wrecked. He feels worse than when he got fired, worse than Hoolicon. What has happened to him? He feels sick to his stomach, and this, over  _ Gavin Belson _ ? 

 

He thinks as his Uber pulls in that maybe he should have gone back, should have forced Gavin to, like, talk to him, to fucking forgive him. He still kind of doesn’t really  _ get  _ what Gavin wanted him to say, but he fucked up. He  _ really  _ fucked up. 

 

Most of the house is dead to the world, but god, Jared is awake, of fucking course. He doesn’t want this, doesn’t want his COO, his  _ Jared  _ to see him this way. Too late. 

 

“Richard? Is that you?”

 

Richard sniffs. “Yeah.”

 

Jared’s got that expression on his face, that mixture of hurt, disappointment and something else that Richard can’t put a name to, doesn’t want to. 

 

“Richard, are you OK? It’s the middle of the night and  - you don’t look good, Richard.”

 

“Jared. Can I. Talk to you about something?”

 

He might be crazy, but he needs to tell someone. He knows how selfish this is of him, knows how deeply this will hurt Jared, but he doesn’t care, he’s past caring, he just wants to get this whole fucking shitshow out in the open. 

 

Jared brings him a chamomile and sits him down in the kitchen. 

 

“You can talk to me about anything, you know, Richard.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Is this about why you’ve been so distracted lately? And where you’ve been going almost every night, and why you’ve been sneaking in at 6 in the morning?”

 

Richard nods. Pauses. 

 

“Um. Jared. Do you remember a few months ago, I said I went to visit my parents?”

 

“Sure. You went to Tulsa for a few days. I remember.”

 

“I wasn’t in Tulsa.” Richard takes a breath. “I was in Wyoming.” 

 

Jared stills, but says nothing. 

 

“I went to see Gavin Belson.” 

 

“You - can I ask why?” 

 

“I - I don’t fucking  _ know  _ why, OK? I was feeling...I don’t know, shitty, unmotivated, kind of empty? And Bighead? Really, it’s all Bighead’s fault, because he told me to talk to Gavin. He said that Gavin might  _ get  _ what I was dealing with better than anyone here.”

 

Jared nods slowly.  “So...you went to talk to Gavin. Is that it?”

 

Richard shakes his head. “It’s kind of...more than that. I don’t know exactly how it happened, but. Um. We got kinda drunk, I guess. Anyway. We. We slept together.”

 

“You. You and Gavin?”

 

Richard nods. 

 

“You slept. With Gavin. You had sex with Gavin?” 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“OK.” Jared doesn’t look like it’s remotely OK, he looks the way he looked when Laurie killed Fiona. Richard tries to press on anyway.

 

“And. Yeah. We slept together, and I guess it just kind of kept happening, like it happened a bunch of times in Jackson Hole, then he moved back here and it happened a lot more times after that. I guess. We’re sleeping together, you know. Regularly.”

 

“Right. Are you - are you dating, Richard?”

 

Richard exhales. “I don’t know. I assumed not! But now I guess he thought we were, and what, he wants me to go out in public with him? Like, to a fancy restaurant where anyone could recognise him? And he - he -”

 

“Richard?”

 

“He told me he loved me.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“And...what did you tell him?”

 

Richard closes his eyes. “I guess I told him nothing? I mean, I didn’t really know what to say, and then he just kind of changed the subject and started talking about this dinner, and I - I fucked it up, Jared.” 

 

“I’m sure that’s not true, Richard. What happened?”

 

“I told him I didn’t think we should be seen together, and he got all upset and asked if I was embarrassed to be with him and, was I ashamed of this thing I’m doing with him, and  - I guess I said yes.”

 

“Oh, Richard.”

 

“I know! I was...god, I was shitty. I was such an asshole, Jared. I told him I didn’t want any of my friends to know about us, and I didn’t want to be seen with him...Jesus.” 

 

Jared is quiet. He folds his hands together on the table. 

 

“I feel like absolute shit. And I don't how to fix it. I don't even know if it's fixable. How badly did I fuck up here?”

 

“You made a mistake, Richard, yes. But it is fixable. You just need to talk to Gavin. Apologise to him.”

 

“And say what?”

 

“Gavin is someone who needs to feel wanted, Richard. None of his friends reached out to him when he was fired, and he probably feels like his only value is in his success, and not in himself.”

 

“Jesus. We're talking about the same person here? Gavin fucking Belson? The man who repeatedly tried to ruin our company?”

 

Jared raises an eyebrow. “Richard. With all the respect in the world, you are the one that's been in a relationship-"

 

Richard makes a strangled noise. 

 

“ - a relationship with him for three months. There must be something you've been able to see in him that kept you invested in that relationship.”

 

“Yeah, he's really good in bed!”

 

Jared shakes his head. “If that's all there is to it, why do you feel the way you feel now?” 

 

“Oh -  _ god _ .”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Richard is quiet. He folds his hands into his lap, barely able to look at Jared. 

 

“You wanna know the worst thing, Jared? It's not just that he's Gavin, and he's done all these terrible things to us. I still - I guess I'm still. It bothers me that I'm with a guy, OK?”

 

Jared can’t help himself; he lays his hand over Richard’s. Cannot stand to see him this way. It doesn’t allay Jared’s guilt about not noticing that something was going on with his captain sooner, his fear that the budding relationship he is starting to form with a girl he’s been seeing is affecting his friendship with Richard, the most important person in the whole world. 

 

But if he can help at all, he will. 

 

“Do you want to end things with him?”

 

“What? No.”

 

“Does he make you happy?”

 

“...Yeah. Yeah, he does. Happier than I’ve been in a while, actually.”

 

“Then...Richard, I think you have your answer. I’m not suggesting for a minute that it’ll be easy. You’ve...got a lot to work through, I think, and I can’t help you with that, as much as I want to. But...Richard, if this thing with Gavin is worth salvaging, then you  _ will  _ have to make an effort to move past this fear that you have. Is it worth it?”

 

Richard squeezes Jared’s hand. “Yeah. I think it is. Thanks, Jared.” 

 

\-----------------------------------------

 

Somehow, he's ended up here at 3am again. If he didn't know that Gavin would probably be awake already (something about the spiritual power of watching the sun come up), he'd feel bad. Well, like. Worse. 

 

“It's me.” He has a key. He just feels weird using it given that he's pretty sure he and Gavin are broken up. Or nearly broken up. “It's Richard. Um. Richard Hendricks.”

 

He can hear Gavin rolling his eyes through the intercom. “Richard. It's three in the morning.”

 

“I know that. I just. I really need to talk to you.”

 

“I'm still not done not wanting to talk to you, to be honest.” 

 

“Please. Just five minutes.”

 

Gavin sighs and buzzes him in. Richard is at least grateful he doesn't have to immediately walk 45 minutes back to the house. Despite the fact that his being dumped (by Gavin fucking Belson) is, most likely, about to become indisputable fact, as opposed to, like, a quantum state of singledom. 

 

“What do you want, Richard?” 

 

Gavin looks tired. He looks tired, and miserable, and - 

 

“Mind the glass.”

 

“Right. It's all broken. Again.” 

 

Gavin sits on a (hopefully) glass-free couch, picks up what Richard hopes is his first glass of whisky. 

 

“So.” 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“I. I just came to say that I - I'm really fucking sorry. For what I said. That was shitty, even for me, and I'm - I'm sorry.”

 

Gavin shakes his head. 

 

“I don't know, Richard. It's just not enough, you know.”

 

“I get that. I do, and I'm sorry, but I guess I just didn't get it? I mean, that this is what you wanted from me? I'm not good at this stuff at the best of times, and I just. I didn't think it was anyone's business?”

 

“I didn't say -"

 

“It's just that it's my private business! Ours, I guess. I'm trying to keep it out of fucking Code Rag because it's no one's business what I'm doing with my dick. I'm not a story, my fucking personal life is not a story.”

 

“Richard. I was never suggesting that you out us publicly. When did I ever say that? I just wanted to take you for a goddamn dinner that I didn't have to order in. Or feel like you weren't so embarrassed by me that the opinions of your shitty coder friends, none of whom, by the way, have seen a human woman naked in probably a combined 20 years, actually mattered to you.” 

 

“I'm sorry. Again. I wasn't trying to, like. Make excuses. I just didn't know, ok.”

 

Gavin shakes his head. He still looks close to tears and Richard has no idea what to do with that. He can't handle Jared crying and he certainly can't handle it from Gavin. 

 

“I don't know, Richard. I do realise that my ego probably bruises more easily than the normal man. I get that. It's just. Normally, if I'm humiliated, I can resolve those feelings pretty quickly by fucking destroying someone’s entire livelihood. I just - I don't know how to move on from the fact that I told you I loved you and your response was to tell me that you're ashamed of being with me. I don't know how I can explain to you how that hurt me.” 

 

Richard is silent. He feels a bit like he's been slapped. 

 

“You're right.”

 

“Hm?”

 

“You're right. I've been selfish, and stupid, and I never thought for a minute that the way I was behaving was hurting you. I...I am asking you to give me another chance at this, Gavin. I'm...I'm struggling with this whole thing, you know that. But I.. I really, really want this to work. I want to try to be better. Please let me try.”

 

Gavin looks up at him. Considers. “I want to, Richard. I do. I just...I don't know.”

 

“I...the shame thing. That I'm feeling. That's on me, you know. I mean, it's my issue, it's something I have to deal with, it has nothing to do with you or the way I feel about you. I'm - I'm putting it badly. I just - I should never have said I was ashamed of you. That's not - what I meant.”

 

Gavin shakes his head. “It's.. all right. Truth be told, there are a few things I need to work on myself. When I was with Peter, I was possessive, jealous, I wanted him to focus only on me and on the thing we were creating together. I didn't want to make the same mistakes with you. I got so caught up in this idea of what a good partner was that I didn't realise how difficult you were finding all of this. I never meant to put you under pressure.” 

 

Richard smiles a little. “I guess we're both pretty bad at this.”

 

“I guess so.”

 

“So…?”

 

Finally, he nods. “OK. Let's work on it.” 

 

“Gavin, I - thank you.”

 

Gavin narrows his eyes. “I'm still mad at you, you know. Now, get your ass over here and kiss me.” 

 

Richard does as he's told. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading!!!  
> i have got another small lil gavrich fic which i will put up at the weekend


End file.
